Try Honesty
by Haley104
Summary: Chakotay and Kathryn get into a fight and the crew starts to notice. Will they piece their friendship back together or is there now an emotional war brimming aboard Voyager?
1. Chapter 1

As she lay on her sofa, Kathryn let her thoughts drift freely. Visions of home flooded through her mind. Visions of her sister, her mother, her childhood home in Indiana. She let it all come back to her. And as she did so, she allowed a silent tear to roll down her cheek. Every once and a while, she let out her feelings to herself. She hated it. Not knowing if she could ever really get her crew home safely to the Alpha Quadrant. She always tried to convince herself that she could but she couldn't help but sometimes doubt herself.

As she kept thinking, an image of Mark popped into her brain. Mark. She hadn't thought of him in a long time. She tried to remember the last time she thought about him but she couldn't remember. She barely ever thought about him anymore. She had different people in her life now and she lived for a different purpose than before. That purpose was to get the crew of Voyager home.

She thought about how her thoughts about Mark, slowly, over time were replaced with thoughts about Chakotay. She knew she should feel guilt about this but she didn't. The Mark she knew would probably assume she was dead by now. He has probably moved on so why shouldn't she. She hated that question. She knew she _should_ move on and she knew that she _wanted_ to. But the fact of the matter was that she _couldn't_. She couldn't have a relationship aboard Voyager with any member of her crew. That was one protocol that she was going to keep. Being withChakotay so often was hard on her though. Every time she saw his face, it made her remember that she couldn't be with him. So she was trying to cut down her time with him a little. She didn't like it but she had to do it. Otherwise she would probably tell him how she felt. Then she would have herself into an even bigger mess.

Another tear fell down her cheek. She quickly wiped away the tear and stood up from her sofa. She didn't like crying. It made her feel weak and that was a feeling that she hated.

She then heard that familiar chime of her ready room door, signaling someone wanted to speak with her.

She prayed that it didn't look like she had been crying as she made her way to the chair behind her desk. She straightened her Star Fleet uniform before she sat down. With her hands folded on her lap she called out with an even voice, "Enter."

Chakotay strode into the room.

"Captain I just . . . Kathryn, have you been crying."

_Damn._ "No, Commander, I most certainly have not been crying!" She blurted out too quickly and harshly.

Immediately a look of hurt flashed across Chakotay's face but only for a mere second. He quickly covered it up. Instead he just stared at her, looking deep into her eyes. She knew he was seeing right through her. She knew he could tell that she lied to him. But he didn't rub it in her face. He just let it go . . . for the moment.

"Yes Captain, I was out of line. As I was saying, B'Elanna finished her report about the new warp drive. I just came to give it to you." He said while handing her the PADD that he had been holding.

She took is from him and glanced down at it. She quickly scanned through it and then looked back up to face her first officer.

"Thank you Commander. You are dismissed." She didn't mean to sound so cold but it wasn't any of his business if she had been crying. He should have known better than to ask her.

He walked to the door of her ready room but just as he was about to leave he turned back around to look at her. "Kathryn, there's no point in lying to me. I've known you for years now. You won't talk to me anymore. Your always blocking me out and you know what, I'm sick of it!

Her eye's widened at his sudden outburst. She never expected this from him. "Chakotay! I haven't blocked you out." She stood up and took a step toward him. "And I don't appreciate you bursting that out at me." She said with an icy glare and her voice was filled with an edge of anger.

"You never talk to me anymore! I feel like you don't even want me as a friend anymore. I don't get it and I certainly don't like it. But you know what, if that's what you want, then go for it!"

She stood stunned. She couldn't believe she was hearing this from him. She hadn't blocked him out . . . or had she? They barely ever had dinner anymore. They only got together to go through reports and she hardly ever confided in him like she used to.

"Now you listen here." She said icily, grabbing his arm just as he turned to leave. "You are out of line Commander. This is completely unlike you. I suggest you calm your temper Chakotay. I shouldn't have to take this and I won't."

"Then don't. You won't have to take **any** of it." He said this with such force and anger. She couldn't believe it had come from him. He pushed himself away from her and stormed out of her ready room.

As she stood there staring at the closed sliding doors, she knew she has just lost her best friend.

* * *

To Be Continued . . .

Please R&R


	2. Chapter 2

After his outburst, Chakotay had a hard time facing Kathryn. Things had been strained between them lately. They only talked when words were absolutely necessary and they only got together for work purposes. They basically tried to steer clear of each other's path. They hadn't even made eye contact since their argument. Two weeks had passed since then.

She knew she was being stubborn about it but Kathryn was waiting until he came to apologize about his outburst. He was out of line. She kept telling herself that she hadn't blocked him out but deep inside she knew he was right. She just wouldn't admit it to herself.

Tom and Harry were in the mess hall sitting with Chakotay when the Captain walked in.

She sent a glare at Chakotay and in return, got on back.

"Well hello there Captain and what can I get for you today." The cheery Taxalian said with a smile on his face.

"Just coffee Neelix." Kathryn replied but not half as cheerily as Neelix was.

"Coming right up." He poured her a hot cup of coffee which she took a sip of with pleasure.

"Thank you Neelix. Have a good day. I'm off to the bridge."

"And you have a good day yourself Captain!"

As she left the mess hall, Chakotay stared after her with a look of disgust on his face.

"So um, hear the one about the chicken and the frog?" Tom said trying to lighten up the mood at their table.

"Well I haven't. Why don't you tell us Tom?" Harry said trying to help Tom at his attempt.

"I'm not in the mood. I'm going to the holodeck. Goodbye Tom, Harry."Chakotay said nodding his head at both men.

He stood up and headed for the door, then he was gone.

"Well isn't this just a great war to have growing aboard Voyager." Tom said sarcastically.

"I don't get it. I thought they were best friends. Then out of the blue, they hate each other."

"I know eh. I'm thinking it was something to do with them as a couple."

"What? No. Tom, they wouldn't do that. The Captain doesn't have relationships with anyone on board . . . does she?

"I don't know Harry. They always were pretty cozy with each other. The ear to ear grins, the sweet little touches, the looks they gave each other and then you would even occasionally catch Chakotay staring at the Captain's butt.

"Well even _if_ they did have feelings . . ."

"There's no 'if' about it Harry. They have feelings for each other."

"Ok but would they let anything happen with those feelings?"

"He's a man. She's a woman. Nature probably took its course if ya know what I mean."

"Tom I honestly don't think the Captain would go for that."

"I don't know Harry. People have wants. But then again it is Captain Kathryn Janeway we're talking about here so maybe your right. Maybe they did just have a little, correction, big fight about something. But it must've been really big for them to be acting like this toward each other.

"Hmm." Harry said lost in thought. He had no idea about what could make the Captain and Commander act this way toward each other. He supposed Tom _could_ be right but he highly doubted it.

"Oh well. I guess it really isn't any of our business. I just hope they resolve their problem soon because a conflict between Captain and First Officer really isn't what Voyager needs at the moment."

"I'm sure the Captain will make it so this doesn't affect the crew . . . any more than necessary."

Tom nodded his head and went back to eating.

* * *

To Be Conitinued . . .

Please R&R


	3. Chapter 3

"Chakotay." Kathryn said walking up to him in the corridor. "We need to talk."

She was sick of this. She hated being mad at him. And she knew the crew had noticed. Tom had come to her and asked if everything was ok between her and Chakotay. As did Neelix, but then again, that's just Neelix.

"Do we?" Now Chakotay on the other hand was still mad about the situation and didn't care if they resolved the issue today or next month.

"Chakotay please. You don't know how hard this has been on me. We need to talk about it and settle everything!"

A crewman walked past them and both turned silent.

"We can't talk out here. My ready room." She said.

Chakotay turned and headed in the direction of the bridge.

Kathryn said a silent prayer.

As they entered the bridge together, they got a few stares. People hadn't seen them walk in a door together for the past two weeks.

She walked into her ready room with Chakotay following behind her.

"We need to talk." She said this very seriously finally making eye contact.

"Kathryn why don't you just _order_ me to talk to you. Then you would get your way." He stared at her and made her feel so overpowered that she had to look away. She turned around and walked forward, refusing to let herself look at him.

"Chakotay, I can't order you to talk to me about it. I just can't. I want you to want to tell about what your feeling. I don't want to make you." She let out a breath slowly, waiting for him to reply. When all she heard was silence, she forced herself to turn around.

He gazed down at her.

"Kathryn I'm sorry but you won't understand. When I had my outburst two weeks ago, you acted as though you did nothing wrong. You've blocked me out and you know it. Do you know how it feels? Kathryn you are my best friend. I would risk my life for you. That's how much you mean to me."

"No." She held out her hand signaling for him to stop. "No Chakotay. You shouldn't want to risk your life for me. After the way I've been treating you lately. It's just been too much for me. To have you with me all the time and to love every minute of the time that I'm with you. I can't do it."

"Why Kathryn. Why can't you!" His voice was slowly rising. He just didn't understand her sometimes.

"Because."

"Because?"

"Because it makes me want more!" She blurted without thinking. Her eyes widened and her hand immediately shot to her mouth. She hadn't just said that. She couldn't have. She had been fighting it for so long and then she just let it slip!

He looked at her but she refused to look back.

"Chakotay, I think you should go. Forget we had this conversation."

"What! Kathryn how can you . . ."

"No. No okay. I'm sorry Chakotay. I'm sorry I've hurt you." She hung her head and stared at the carpet of her ready room. If she stared any longer or harder she probably would have burned a hole in it.

"Kathryn why are you fighting it! Why are you fighting us!"

"Commander you're dismissed."

"Kath . . ."

"Commander!" She said icily.

He gave up. He turned and stormed out of her ready room.

When the doors slid shut behind him, Kathryn stood there and let the tears roll down her cheeks.

* * *

To Be Continued . . .

Please R&R


	4. Chapter 4

Chakotay was now in the holodeck. He had gone there immediately after he left Kathryn's ready room. She could be so stubborn. Why couldn't she just let herself be happy? He didn't know the answer to that question. All he knew was that he was really pissed off.

Boxing calmed him though. He could let out his anger with it. He stepped into the ring and the intense match began.

* * *

**In Kathryn's Ready Room**

The tears had since long stopped falling down Kathryn's cheeks as she sat on her sofa, thinking. Her thoughts were running wild. She was going over the fight that just took place, trying to piece everything together but having very little success.

She knew what she had to do. She had to go set things straight with him right now. Not tomorrow, not next month, now. She wanted to get this matter cleared up as quickly as possible.

She rose from the sofa and straightened her Starfleet uniform.

"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is in holodeck two." The computer replied.

Kathryn walked briskly out of her ready room and onto the bridge. To her crew, she looked as calm and tough as ever but inside, she felt as though she were on a wild roller coaster ride, going every which way with no control. She didn't like the feeling. She nodded to the crew members and left the bridge. As she made her way to the holodeck, she wondered if she should give Chakotay some time to cool down before she went to talk to him but that thought left as quick as it came. She was getting this cleared up pronto.

When she arrived at the holodeck, she took a deep breath and entered. There she saw Chakotay in the middle of a boxing match. Not really a surprise. He hadn't noticed her come in since he was facing the opposite direction.

She said in a low tone, "Computer, freeze program."

Slowly, he turned around to face her. Once he was looking at her dead on, she began.

"Chakotay, I'm going to get straight to the point. We can't have a relationship and that is final. The subject is closed for discussion. You are not to bring it up. She let out a breath and finished with, "That's and order."

He stared at her for a moment and then said, "All right Captain. But first I'd like to know why. And I don't want you to start in on me about protocol and Starfleet Kathryn. We've lost all contact with Starfleet. Were on our own out here Kath! And you've broken every rule in the book! Please tell me why you must keep just that one rule from being broken!" He was getting angry.

"Chakotay please don't make this any harder than it already is." She said starting to become exasperated.

"I merely asked a question." He said icily.

"Fine." She said stubbornly. "To answer your question, we are Starfleet officers Chakotay! We may have no contact with the federation and yes, we probably won't for decades but I still intend to do my best at following Starfleet protocol! But keep in mind Chakotay that isn't an easy thing to do while being about 70 000 light years from home! And your right, I have broken a lot of rules but I had no choice! If I hadn't broken those rules, Voyager and her crew would all have been lost! But there is one rule I can manage to not break. And that's the 'R' factor Chakotay. The captain cannot have romantic relations with members of his or her crew! It just can't be done!" She was practically yelling now. She didn't know how to make him understand.

"Thank you Captain. Now I'd like to get back to my boxing. If you'll excuse me."

"What? That's it? You aren't going to say anything else?" She said stunned.

"No Captain I'm not. Now I'm sure you have your duties to attend to." He gave her a taunting smile.

He was brushing her off. Well that was a game two could play.

"Yes Commander, I most certainly do. Enjoy your boxing." She said sweetly while smiling pleasantly. "See you on duty Commander." She gave him one last forced smile and left the holodeck.

This was going to be more complicated than she expected.

* * *

To Be Continued . . . 

Please R&R


	5. Chapter 5

This was going to be more complicated than she had expected. Or was it?

The problem seemed resolved at the moment but forced smiles and strained conversations wasn't what she wanted her relationship to be like with her first officer. All she wanted was him as her friend. Correction, all she _could_have washim as her friend. Of course she _wanted_ more.

She knew she had to get this taken care of. She wasn't about to let an argument get in the way of her ability to captain her crew.

Once Kathryn had exited the holodeck, she walked back to her ready room. She was going to finish reading through some reports. It's not like she had anything better to do.

Once she was finished with the reports, she decided what she needed was rest. She was overworked and needed to get some sleep.

She left her ready room and walked to her quarters. Once there, she quickly stripped from her Starfleet uniform and threw on a silk nightgown. After she placed her comm. badge beside her bed, she climbed in. She let the softness of her sheets absorb her and gratefully welcomed sleep when it came.

_At the end of the room was a closed door and beyond that, another room. It was a room she must get into because it had to be cleaned. _

_She moved toward the door, but stopped when she heard the voice of Chakotay behind her. "No Kathryn. We need you here on Voyager. I need you. You can't leave us." She turned to face him but decided she wouldn't listen to his pleading. _

_Ignoring Chakotay, she turned back around, only to be staring at a wall. Where had the door to the room gone? She had to find it! It had to be cleaned!_

_Quickly she left the room she was in, only to step into another and another and another. All of the doors for the rooms were green but that one room that must be cleaned, had a red door. That's how she would find. She would look for a red door. _

_But then there was also the problem of getting that red door opened. It was an old-fashioned door. In order for the door to open, one must turn a knob. But unlike all of the other doors, this one contained a lock. For this lock, you had to insert a key, a key she didn't have. But she would find that key as well. She knew it was here somewhere, in one of these many rooms. Once she had the key, she could find the red door for the room that must be cleaned and she could clean it. Finally, after all this time, searching for the key and the red door, she would be able to clean the room._

_She started sprinting through and through the many rooms with the many green doors. She kept going until she finally got a pain in her side from all her sprinting. She took a seat on the mahogany colored hardwood flooring. She rested for a few minutes and then quickly set off, looking once again for the key that opened the red door and the red door itself. _

_Suddenly it appeared before her. The red door was there with the key laying on the floor in front of it. Finally, she could clean the room!_

_She leaned down and picked up the key. _

_Anxious to clean the room, she pushed the key into the key hole and turned it. She heard a soft click, telling her that the key had worked successfully. _

_The door opened with a screechy creak. There was no light beyond the door. She had to find one. The only way she could clean the room was if she could see. She felt along the wall for something that would be capable of illuminating the room. Close to the door frame, she felt a switch. She switched it so that it was facing upward and the room was cast in a gloomy glow._

_She felt a wave of fear pass through her body. At first glance the room was empty. But in the far corner, if you looked closely, you could see something that looked to be the shape and size of a human. _

_Slowly Kathryn made her way to the form. When she reached it, her eyes widened with fear._

_It was a human. The human was laying on its stomach. Quickly, Kathryn reacted to the situation, all thoughts of cleaning the room had now vanished. She grabbed the wrist of the human and checked for a pulse. _

_There was none._

_Confirming that it was a dead body, Kathryn considered whether or not to turn the body over. The body appeared to be about five foot five. Kathryn assumed it was a female because of the flowing urban hair and the shape and form of the body._

_The body was wrapped tightly in a white cloth. There were chucks of hair missing from her sculp and dried blood covered one part of the woman's head. _

_Slowly Kathryn rolled over the lifeless body. A gasp escaped from her lips. Her body started to tremble as she stared in disbelief. _

_The dead body was none other than her own._

_

* * *

_

To Be Continued . . .

Please R&R


	6. Chapter 6

Kathryn awoke with a start. There was perspiration dripping down her forehead. She was frightened. She knew she had no reason to be. It was only a dream. But still, she couldn't shake off the feeling of dread. It was her own body. Her very own body, lying so cold and lifeless there on the cold hardwood floor.

She certainly wasn't going back to sleep now. She got out of her bed and quickly pulled the covers up. She would go talk to Chakotay about the dream. She could always confide in him and never feel judged. But then it hit her, she couldn't go talk to him.

God only knows is she would ever be able to talk to him aboutstuff like that ever again.

"Computer what time is it?"

"The time is 0100 hours." The computer replied.

She walked to her replicator and said, "Coffee, black."

A steaming cup of coffee appeared and Kathryn eagerly took a sip. It was a little too hot. No matter how many times she gave the replicator the instructions, it could never get it right on.

Kathryn took another sip from her coffee and then went into her bathroom to take a sonic shower.

It felt very refreshing. She put on her uniform and her comm. badge. She then grabbed a book and began to read. Very quickly she become immersed in it.

After her reading, she made her way down to the bridge. She should have taken the opportunity to sleep but she couldn't after that disturbing dream. So instead, she thought she would go to the bridge. Friendswere exactly what she needed right about now.

As she entered the bridge she saw him sitting up straight in his command chair. She was about to make a beeline for her ready room but then instead, decided to take a shot at playing their little _game._

She swiftly took sat down in her chair. She crossed her legs and folded her hands in her lap. She didn't know whether or not to say anything to Chakotay or wait it out. The decision was made for her when Chakotay said, "Good morning Captain." He said evenly.

Yes, he was planning on being as nice as ever. Of course the only difference now was he had to _make_ a smile appear on his face, he had to _make_ his voice sound even, he had to _act_ like absolutely nothing had happened. He had to act like their conversation about her wanting more, never happened. Well he was going to go one step further. He was going to pretend _none_ of it ever happened. He was going to act like the good first officer but nothing more. He wasn't going to act like her friend. As far as he was concerned, as of right now, he and the Captain were nothing more than first officer and captain working together on a stranded star ship. Not friends, not enemies, just co-workers. He wasn't going to try to be her friend. She lost him and that was that.

"Good morning Commander." Kathryn said looking him straight in the eye, while forcing a small smile to appear on her face.

They continued talking together and with the rest of the staff on board the bridge. Just small talk, nothing more.

Kathryn was now as sure as ever, Chakotay was no longer her friend whom she trusted, whom she could talk to about mainly anything, whom could always left her up when she was down, all of that and so much more. She lost it all. And she couldn't be sure that she would ever get it back.

* * *

To Be Continued . . . 

Please R&R


	7. Chapter 7

**_+1 MONTH LATER+_**

"But really though, who files a complaint, a_ formal_ complaint, about their uniform needing to be a different color?"

Chakotay was sitting in her ready room, reading through the many stacks of reports and complaints sprawled across her coffee table. Kathryn at the moment was standing by her replicator picking up a fresh cup of coffee, black of course.

In the complaint, the doctor stated that his uniform should be changed to a different color. (The blue just wasn't working for him.)

"That's a damn good question Chakotay." Kathryn said spinning around to face him while chuckling. A wide smile was spread across her face, making her appear younger.

Slowly, a look of shock crept onto her face.

"Kath what is it?"

"Oh um nothing. It's nothing."

But it was something and it meant a lot of Kathryn.

Here she was with her first officer, laughing and smiling.

Now of course, she had done that exact same thing several times before in the last month. But every time she had smiled, it had been forced. Every time she had laughed, it had been fake. But this time was different. This time her smile wasn't forced. It was genuine. This time her laugh wasn't fake. It was real.

Finally one month later, their attitudes toward each other were beginning, to change. Things were starting to go back to the way they were before their big fight a month and a half ago.

After their fight, the relationship between the two had been strained. They would get together only to do the regular Captain, First Officer responsibilities. But they stopped spending any of their free time together. There were no more weekly dinners. That was something Kathryn especially missed. They still had yet to have a real dinner together again. But she knew it would come, eventually it would.

A small smile slowly appeared on her face as she walked over to him.

He knew she had been deep in thought. And he also knew that she had something important to say.

He stood from the couch and straightened his uniform. "Kathryn . . ."

She held up her hand to silence him.

Okay, now he really knew it was important.

The smile was gone. Seriousness had overtaken her entire appearance at the moment.

She looked into his eyes, "I'm sorry."

That was it. That was all that needed to be said. He knew exactly what she was talking about and he also knew how hard it must have been for her to say that to him.

He took her coffee cup from her hands and placed it gently on the coffee table.

He then pulled her close to him and hugged her petite frame. She buried her head in his shoulder and let herself be taken by him. He stroked her hair and rubbed her back. But he didn't do anything more, nor did he intend to. That would be taking it too far and he knew this was as far as the two of them could go.

Normally, she would never have allowed him to hold her like this, but at the moment she didn't care. All she wanted was to know he was there for her. And now she knew.

Slowly she lifted her head up to look into his eyes. "I really am sorry Chakotay. I just want you to know that."

He knew she didn't mean about them fighting. She was sorry that she couldn't allow them to have a relationship together.

He could see in her eyes that she truly was sorry.

"Kathryn, I've always known."

She nodded her head in understanding as she slowly, regretfully, forced her body to move away from his.

She took his hand and led him to the sofa. The two sat down as she said, "We have work to do."

He chose to say nothing. Instead he just looked into her eyes and quickly nodded. They were silent for the next few minutes, both immersed in their own thoughts. But they never let go of the other's hand.

Another thing they never let go of, was the other's heart.

* * *

**_The End_**

Please let me know what you thought in a review.

Sorry to anyone who wanted Kathryn and Chakotay to get together. I thought about it, but for once I wanted to write a story where they remain friends and I thought this was a good story to do that.


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